


Courage

by Pigeonsplotinsecrecy



Series: This Feeling of Fakin' It [2]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Recovery, Team as Family, Therapy, not as grim as it sounds (maybe)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-11-27 01:24:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20939987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy/pseuds/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy
Summary: Mac is doing better. He's back at work, and he's got his eating disorder under control, but after a mission gone wrong, old doubts began to bud in his head again. If he doesn't want to end up back in a treatment program, he'll have to fight the demons in his head and have the courage to push through the eating disorder thoughts that he's worked so hard to put in his past.This is the sequel to This Feeling of Fakin' It, so you might want to read that first if you haven't.





	1. And I Got Through This Day

_I told another lie today_

_And I got through this day_

_No one saw through my games_

_I know the right words to say_

_Like ‘I don’t feel well’, ‘I ate before I came’’_

**Phoenix Medical: Mac is Completely Okay**

Mac laid with a thin white sheet pulled up to his chin and an I.V. in his arm, itching as it brushed against the fabric. He shivered a little, the air conditioning too cool, but he was too tired to call the nurse for another blanket.

In bed at Phoenix Medical certainly wasn’t how he planned on spending his Saturday, but it was common for his weekend plans to be thwarted by work. He didn’t mind it, mostly, but his body wasn’t in the best place, and his mind was struggling to keep up.

He stared wordlessly at the white ceiling, wishing he had someone to talk to or that he could at least be sleeping off the mission at home. **I don’t need to be here. I need to get out, **Mac thought to himself frantically. He really hated medical facilities; though, the Phoenix’s medical wing was a lot homier than any hospital would be. Nevertheless, Mac was growing fidgety as he thought of all the better things he could be doing. _You’re wasting your time, _a nasty little voice whispered, _Not that your time is that important. It’s a waste, really. _

The room was dark, as the sun had set hours ago, and Mac should be sleeping, but he couldn’t find the energy to shut his brain off._ You messed up the mission. I can’t believe you thought that you could actually return to the field without ruining the rest of the team’s lives in the process. You make their jobs harder. You’re in their way, but they, for whatever reason, love you, so they put up with your shit. _

Across from Mac, in a twin hospital bed, was Jack, snoring away like it was any other night. _It’s your fault he is here._ Mac wasn’t sure how Jack slept so soundly. After what they’d gone through, Mac didn’t want to shut his eyes.

In all honesty, it hadn’t been _that _bad. It wasn’t like they had even been tortured that much. They’d just been kept in a too small cell for four days, only being given water. The room had been cold and damp, and the captors had been trying to wear them down before they began interrogation. Luckily, Mac had gotten them out before that could happen. _But it took you four days, dummy. You’re usually faster. You could have gotten Jack killed with your slowness._

Mac and Jack had sat in their cell, trying to chat and play games to pass the time and trying not to go crazy, but by day two, they were both woozy with hunger and had little energy to do much more than lean against the hard stone walls. They were too hungry to sleep even. Most people didn’t realize how torturous it was to try to sleep on an empty stomach, but Mac knew better than anyone how debilitating hunger could be.

While hunger was never fun, the problem, for Mac, hadn’t been the lack of food, because a person could, theoretically, go over a month without food if they were properly hydrated, but the real problem had been the rush Mac had gotten from going hungry. Being hungry was a high, one Mac still sometimes missed when he thought about his eating disorder and being denied food was like cocaine being held to an addict’s nose. Mac couldn’t deny the blissfulness he had felt with an empty stomach. He loved the way his stomach felt instantly flatter and his head was floaty. What his captors had done out of cruelty, had filled Mac with an odd sense of relief, and he hated that his mind was still like this. **I need to get these thoughts out of my head.**

It had been three months since he’d been out of treatment; yet, the shitty thoughts were still taking up space in his brain, and it drove him a little crazy that he couldn’t just get better and be done with it.

While less apparent, the traces of his sickness were still there. Eating cake at a birthday party still sometimes felt dirty. Watching yellow, oozing butter be poured onto movie theater popcorn still sometimes made Mac’s stomach churn. Mac hadn’t eaten a pancake since he was in treatment, and he wasn’t sure why he still had such an aversion to them even when he ate “worse” foods on a daily basis. Unfortunately, eating disorders weren’t known for being logical. Funny how a person like Mac could get one when he prided himself on using scientific facts to get himself out of hard situations. He was still human, nevertheless, which meant that pesky emotions got in the way.

Now that Mac was home, safe at the Phoenix Foundation, he didn’t want to eat. He’d already had dinner, but the chicken and rice was heavy in his stomach, nauseating him as his body greedily took in the nutrients. When he’d gotten his meal, he’d played it cool. He acted unbothered by the tray that had been put in front of him piled with food meant to revive his energy levels. He had tried to eat it as best as he could, but in the end, he had eaten less than half of it, making the excuse that he thought he was coming down with something and felt a little nauseous, which wasn’t a complete lie but dishonest just the same.

He should have told someone the real reason that he couldn’t finish his meal, he knew that, but with all that had happened, it wasn’t a good time to not to be okay. Everyone was fine, but the team had enough on their plate without Mac’s eating disorder rearing its ugly head. **I can take care of this. It’s going to be fine. I just have push through these thoughts. I have to keep eating and staying on course. I can’t be complacent. **_Come on, Mac. This is your chance to make things right again. You’ve been fat and stupid for too long. I’m not going to go away, so you might as well give in. _


	2. Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac talks to his therapist.

_“I gotta learn how to love without you_

_I gotta carry my cross without you_

_Stuck in the middle and I’m just about to_

_Figure it out without you_

_And I’m done sittin’ home without you_

_Fuck, I’m going out without you.”_

**Phoenix Psychological Annex: Trying to stay on top of things**

“I haven’t been doing well,” Mac confessed, which was an understatement. He’d been slipping up left and right since he had returned from being kidnapped. He couldn’t seem to get his eating habits under control. 

Mostly, it was skipping meals, but he’d had a purging episode after he’d eaten a chocolate bar. _You don’t even like chocolate bars. They’re gross. _**They are not. **_Are too. You never should have considered eating one._

“What’s been the problem?” Dr. Joss asked evenly. Her voice had a reassuring calmness about it that always made Mac feel reassured. His mind had been a wasteland lately, barren except for thoughts of restricting, binging, and purging, the not-so-holy trinity. He looked down at his hands, not wanting to look Dr. Joss in the eyes. He hated having to admit that he was going backwards and not forward.

He sighed. “My life is a mess, and I shouldn’t be feeling so bad because nothing that awful has been happening, but I feel bad, anyway.”

“We all have bad days,” Dr. Joss reminded him. “Have you engaged in any eating disorder behaviors?” he was afraid she was going to ask that, but it had been expected. She almost always asked that question or a similar one.

“It’s been getting harder to have meals. I purged yesterday for the first time in weeks.”

Dr. Joss nodded without judgement. “What triggered that behavior?”

Mac explained the situation as efficiently as he could, giving her as much detail as he could think of. Now wasn’t the time to hold stuff back. _Yes, it is. If you tell her the truth then she’ll want you to change. _

“I see,” she said when he was done telling his story. Tell me about your purging episode.”

“I ate a chocolate bar, and then I felt bad, so I got rid of it. The same old song and dance. Nothing much to dig into.”

“Come on, Mac. You know that answer doesn’t cut deep enough for my tastes.”

“I get restless sometimes, and when I do, it’s like there’s nothing there to stop me from doing things that I shouldn’t. And when things go wrong on a mission, I want to somehow balance things out so that the world feels less off-kilter.”

“Why do you think you default to a behavior which causes you to hurt yourself?” _Because you’re an idiot. You don’t even know what’s right for you. _

“Who else is there to hurt?” Mac asked rhetorically. **No one has to get hurt. **

“Okay, we’ll move on for now. Let me ask: Mac, how did being held as a prisoner make you feel?”

**Out of control. **“It was fine. It’s happened lots before.”

“You have a concerningly blasé response to trauma.”

“Really, it’s fine. Nothing to be concerned about”

“Somehow I don’t think something like that can ever feel fine,” Dr. Joss pushed back. She wasn’t going to let Mac fall back into old habits and bottle his feelings up if she could help. Mac both loved and hated her for it. _Why can’t she just leave you alone. You don’t need her anymore. You’re fine. _**Obviously I’m not because you’re still talking. **_I don’t know why you’re so cruel to me, Mac. It’s like you forget all the good times we had together. You want me gone because people have told you that I’m a bad influence, but they’re liars. They just want you to be plump and normal, but what’s the fun in normal._

“Mac,” Dr. Joss repeated herself, “How did being captured make you feel?”

_Like it never should have happened. _“Like an idiot. I should have been able to get me and Jack out sooner. Instead, I let my friend stay locked up with me for four days without food and barely any water while I enjoyed the experience.” **I didn’t enjoy it. **_I sure did. _

“Are you sure that enjoy is the right word? Notice how you make the problem of this scenario about Jack having to suffer and not yourself. Why do you do that?”

“It’s not that I _want _to suffer, but I know that I can handle it.”

“And Jack can’t? He’s a highly trained agent. I think he can handle some pretty bad stuff if he needs to.”

“Not in the same way I can.” _You can resist hunger in a way that other people can’t._

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’m specially equipped to go without food. What’s four days without food? It’s _nothing _to me, but for Jack it’s a lot harder. He’s not used to starving. It’s normal for him.” _You can go on for as long as it takes. Hunger feels good. It is a game to you._

“It’s not normal for you either anymore,” Dr. Joss pointed out.

“But restriction is like riding a bike. I still know how to get through it. I know how to keep my mind occupied when I’m hungry, so it’s easier to go without for me than it is Jack.”

“Actually, I think it’s harder for you to go without food than Jack.” Mac stiffened, immediately feeling defensive at the statement. _She’s saying you can’t control yourself, that you just give into your urges like a pig._

“It isn’t hard for me,” Mac protested. “I’ve gone longer than four days.” **I can’t let my eating disorder start talking for me again. **_You can do whatever you want._

“Jack can go without eating and return to normal, but you can’t.” _No, don’t let that be true._

“But I’ve gone without a lot of times. I can survive.”

Her voice was gentle but firm. “It’s not just about surviving. It’s about being happy and productive after experiencing something very difficult. Four days without food is hard for anyone, Mac. It’s not nothing, and I don’t want you to consider it as such, okay?”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant it isn’t hard for me to be hungry. In fact, I liked it. I was being tortured, but I imagined my body wasting away and it felt so good, and I keep going back to that feeling.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I like it.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I’m still working on being better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment if you're so inclined.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm back from my writing break (was quite busy with some work stuff) and I plan on starting to cycle through my stories and update so expect that soon. I thought giving you this story would be a perfect start to get back into writing. I also plan on starting the Lost Boy sequel and winding up some other stories. Thanks for you patience and thanks for reading. I hope you liked this story, and apologies for those of you who would have preferred me to have just not written this sequel and to have left you with a happy ending ;). Not sure how long this will be, so we will all see in due time. Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave feedback. Sending well wishes to all of you.


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